Oh, Julia.

Do you see this child?

Yes, this one. The one with the cute little ears?
Well, she has decided that this week would be a great week to give up naps. I don't know if you remember or not, but Evan is gone for two weeks...so, giving up naps right now is not great timing.
The thing is, though, is that Julia is exhausted. She's is passing out in the car after just 2 minutes. But, the minute I try to lay her down, she opens her eyes and starts bawling. And she's begging for bed at supper time, which is not cool. She'll go down around 7:45, but she's up at around 6. It's not enough sleep. She's getting bags under her pretty little baby eyes.
See? Look at her face here....she is beyond tired.
And I don't mind walking away from her after I've put her down and have her whine a little. She's two, she knows the nap time drill. But this isn't just whining, this is blood curdling cries and screams. That, I can not handle. And I totally blame Evan. I think that him not being home has made her clingy and that's led to not wanting to be left alone at nap time. Sigh.

So, today, I am trying again.
And I think it's possible. I think today is the day.
Right?
Come on, people, humor me. I need the positive energy.

I promise to stop talking about Illinois *after* this post.

We have been back in Colorado for over a week now. And while we do love being home, we all miss some things that we left in Illinois.

Like our Papa.

And his truck.
We miss sleeping Baby O.
And his big brother, Ethan.
We miss Memaw and Pepaw.
But we were glad to that Terra got to visit us from Texas.
We miss seeing cousins like the beautiful bride, Aimee Jo.
But are so glad that there was dancing at her wedding.

We miss seeing great-grandparents.
And our friends.
We totally miss out door pools. (Colorado totally sucks in that department)

We miss playing with our Nina. She knows how to have a good time.
Don't tell him, but Julia misses Matt.



We also miss Kyle, who refused to be photographed on our trip. Owen is napping on her here.
We miss trees. And having fire pits to put the tree branches in so we can burn them *every* night.

We miss having our cousins to talk to about how odd our parents are.
We miss Evan's beard.
We miss holding Owen. (Well, I miss holding him. I didn't really let others hold him too often, including his own parents.)

We miss Ethan. A lot.
We miss the cornfields. And forested areas in the horizon.
We miss wearing pants.
We'll be back Illinois!
But, we'll probably not visit in July again.
Your humidity is ridiculous and we hate sweating.

Solo

Evan is in Virginia (the state) for 2 weeks for a class to learn more about being a lawyer in the Air Force. He has promised me things with my name on them (because, if you had a state with your name, you'd also like things with your name on them).

But, that means that I am on my own with our girls. Whom I love. Right?

Because yesterday, after just mere hours after he left, I about lost my ever loving mind.

Julia does not deal well with change. She's still adjusting back to our normal routine from having been in Illinois for 2 weeks. So, having Evan leave just made her even grumpier and sadder. Plus, she either has a cold or is teething. Needless to say, last night at bedtime was a ridiculous nightmare. I started her routine at 8:00 because I still needed to read to Elisabeth and get her to bed too. After twenty minutes of reading and rocking, she was asleep. I laid her in her crib and she instantly woke up and asked "Mommy, rock-a me!" and then proceeded to scream and bawl her eyes out. I did. I rerocked her and after another 20 minutes, she was asleep again. I laid her in her crib and she woke up, screamed "No keeb! (aka:crib)" and started crying for me again. By then, I was frazzled and frustrated. I told her it was bed time and kissed her and left the room. She started screaming. Not sadly, but like a pissed of child who is traumatized that I have left her in her room to sleep. I send Elisabeth to bed without her bed time reading and listen to Julia cry and cry and cry. I call Evan and he reassures me that she's fine, that she's just sad, to give her a few minutes and she'll calm down. Well, 45 minutes later, she hasn't stopped or calmed down. I decide to rerock her AGAIN. I firmly tell her that first I will rock and then it is crib time. She says ok. I spend 20 minutes rocking her. She falls asleep. I lay her in her crib where she immediately wakes up and starts crying. I left the room, showered and went to bed. She cried for only 10 minutes that time.

Here's the thing--I'm bawling the entire time. I can not handle this. I don't know if it just triggers having to deal with her not sleeping the entire time he was in training in Alabama last year. I don't know. What I do know is that I felt guilty and angry and frustrated and sad and lonely last night. And I hate it.

Oh, and don't worry, while I was crying, Elisabeth tried to come out and comfort me, but I was so frustrated that I just sent her back to bed and told her not to come back out. Awesome.

I am just not cut out for single parenting. I don't like it. I feel completely overwhelmed without any sort of back up support in the house. Maybe it's because I'm not working, so it's just me and them all day and all night. Maybe it's because I'm not near any of our family that I can pawn them off on for a few hours without feeling guilty or having to fork over a babysitting fee. Yes, I know, he's in the Air Force. I will be having to do this from time to time. Thanks for reminding me.

But, what really bothers me is that when I am all alone with them, I really feel like an incompetent parent. I feel like I am the shittiest mom that has ever walked the planet. What is wrong with me that I can't handle two well-behaved girls? Why do I think we should have one more? And, if I am such a craptastic mom, then why do I think it should be my full time job? Because I feel like I am super failing at this stay-at-home mom thing. I feel like there is a criteria for being a SAHM and I am not meeting any of the requirements. And, I know better. I know that I don't need to fill my kids days with extra-curricular activities. I know full well the benefits of discovering how to play on their own or the benefits of being bored. I have my flipping bachelor's in education, for goodness sake and I usually am the one saying that parents don't have to cram so much into their kids lives, that letting them be kids on their own is the best thing for them. So, why do I feel guilty for not measuring up?

Well, today is a new day. I have absolutely nothing planned today except maybe a trip to the library to return some books and pick up new ones. Elisabeth will probably play with the neighborhood kids and Julia will probably play outside for a while, but will mainly follow me around all day because she is my shadow and needs to see me in order to feel better. And even though that is super suffocating at times, today I know I need to be extra patient about it because the first thing out of her mouth this morning was, "Where Daddy?" and she's already told me five times that Daddy went bye-bye on an airplane and when the phone rings or she hears my text message beep asks if it's her Daddy.

Besides, they wouldn't know if I was messing everything up or not, because I'm their Mom. I'm all they have. They won't start critiquing and comparing me to other moms until at least junior high. Right?

And by then, hopefully, I'll have this "parenting" thing down pat.

Yeah...I doubt it, too.

Summer are you almost over for reals?

Evan leaves Sunday for a two week course in Virginia. Will I miss him? Of course I will! Will he be purchasing things with my name on them for me? Um, yes!

He will, however, be missing Elisabeth's first day of second grade. She goes back to school on August 4th. She is so super excited to find out who her teacher is. But, I feel like the summer's flown by without doing a quarter of the things I wanted to do with the girls.

I mean, we've been to some cool parks and we did go to Illinois, so I guess it's not a total wash. And Elisabeth's had more than enough sleepovers to last her till high school.

So, we'll be cramming in lots of fun these last few days of summer. I'd like to go skating a few more times and maybe actually make it to a pool out here. I'd like to got to some more parks and finish up the summer reading program at the library.

Someone asked me how I find things to do with both the girls since there's such an age difference. I hadn't really thought about it before because I just bring Julia to whatever we're doing. Either she can fully participate or she finds something fun to do by herself. Like, when we go roller skating, she doesn't skate, but I bring quarters and she plays ski ball with me (she hands me the ball and cheers when I throw it). She loves to watch the big kids skate. I just feel that I shouldn't leave her behind just because she's little. I'm of the mind that the best way for children to learn how to enjoy and interact in public places is to actually take them to public places from a very young age and allow them to experience it. When I said this, I got stared at like I had 3 eyes. I guess maybe I'm crazy.

So, when we went to the Abraham Lincoln Museum in Springfield, IL, we took Julia. Yes, it was definitely more of a trip geared towards Elisabeth (who was soooo excited about going), but Julia still had fun. The whole place was awesome! They had a type of scavenger hunt for facts throughout the museum for kids to find. If you filled out the sheet, you got a free poster. Elisabeth did the scavenger hunt like it was her job.

Julia "helping" Elisabeth find the penny in the museum floor by covering it up.
They had this awesome play area called "Mary Todd Lincoln's Attic". They had toys and play areas that were of the Lincoln time period.



Evan is such weirdo.

This was entrance to Lincoln's White House years.
My little fashionista loved this part.
We even got to meet the Lincoln's!
After the museum, we met Evan's friend Andy (who lives and works in Springfield) and walked down to the Lincoln house. First we stopped by this fountain and wished we could jump in because it is SO FREAKING HOT AND HUMID in Illinois that our eyelids were sweating.


Unfortunately, the house was closed when we got there, so we could only take a picture in front of it. No, that's not me with Evan and the girls. I have not grown 6 inches. That's Andy. :)
Elisabeth was most disappointed we didn't go in. So, we told her that our next Illinois trip we would go to Lincoln's house, tomb and visit New Salem. She was appeased.