Unexplained Emotions

One of my favorite things to see is when Julia and Elisabeth unknowingly show affection to each other. Like, when Elisabeth is watching her tv shows and Julia will crawl into her lap. Elisabeth will automatically put her arms around her and cuddle Julia without even realizing she's doing it.

Or when Julia lights up when Elisabeth comes home from school.

Or when they hold hands while walking around the house.

Now, that's not to say that Julia doesn't take things she knows all too well are Elisabeth's and refuses to give them back or that Elisabeth doesn't freak out if Julia is in the same room as her because she wants some "alone time". But, for the most part, they truly love each other.

Is it anything that Evan and I are doing extremely well as parents? Um...I'd love to say YES! OF COURSE! (it's really make me feel superior as a parent), but I don't think so. For Julia, she just loves any attention from Elisabeth and if she feels she's not getting enough, she takes drastic action. With Elisabeth, she's wanted a little sister for so long that she just loves having Julia in our family.

When I was quite a bit pregnant with Julia, I was lying down and reading one of those parenting magazines with my very swollen ankles propped up while Evan was getting Elisabeth ready for bed. I could hear her chattering in that Elisabeth way of hers while Evan redirected her attention back to getting her pajamas on. Every now and then Evan would peek his head around the hallway corner of our DeKalb apartment and give me his "Oh-my-god-Ebeth-is-driving-me-crazy" looks before calmly going back to redirect yet again. I chuckled to myself because Elisabeth is quite intense when she wants to be and is the SLOWEST child alive when getting ready for anything.

I was contemplating getting up to sneak a Diet Coke, when I found this song under the "Mom Exchange" part of the magazine:

Last night while
everyone was asleep

I looked out my window, up
through the trees

The sky was so big and
covered in stars

I knew a baby brother or
sister would soon be ours

Hey Ho, our family of three

Is growing beyond my
mommy, daddy, and me

Hey HO, just how will it be

When we add another branch
to our family tree?
-From "Family Tree" on CD of the same name

I can't explain why, but I started crying. Not just sniffling, but full fledge bawling. It hit me that we were rocking Elisabeth's entire world by having a new baby. That all she knew, which was her, me and Evan, was all going to change in a matter of weeks. Nevermind the fact that she's been begging for a little sister since she was three or that she picked the name of the baby herself or that she was the most excited soon to be big sister the world has ever seen. I was mortified at the thought that we were ruining her life.

Around this time, Evan walked in. Please know that, when not pregnant, I am not much of a crier. At all. So Evan, seeing me crying like a blubbering baby, immediately thought someone had died. He ran over to (try) to sit (aka: perch) next to me on the couch and started asking me what was wrong. Was I hurt? Did I get an upsetting phone call? Was I sick?

I couldn't even talk, I was crying so hard. I showed him the lyrics to the song. He read them. Looked at me. Read them again. Looked at me like I might have lost my mind and quietly said, "What?".

"That song. That's what's wrong," I sobbed.

Evan looked at me and gave me a nice hug. Then, in a voice reserved only for the very stupid, he tried to explain to me how this song was actually a happy song. Not a sad song. I nodded and shooed him away to finish getting Elisabeth ready for bed.

When I finally got my extreme pregnancy hormones calmed down, I tried to explain to Evan what had upset me. It wasn't just Elisabeth's life that was changing, it was our whole family unit. What was I thinking starting over again when I had a 5 year old that was perfectly capable of sleeping through the night, potty trained, could feed herself, etc., etc. When would Evan and I ever get to go out again alone? What if I couldn't do it as well the second time around? How could I love two children equally?

Most of it was irrational. I knew that. A lot of it was my excelled emotional state. I knew that, too. But a good portion of it was just fear of the unknown.

I don't think I need to tell you that Julia moved into our hearts the minute we all laid eyes upon her. I don't think I need to tell you how much Elisabeth helped me when Julia was just an infant. I'm sure you've noticed that, not only is Julia a completely different baby than Elisabeth was, but I didn't forget any tricks of the trade. Yes, I struggled in some areas that were never a problem when parenting Elisabeth, but I've also exceeded in other areas that I felt were impossible the first time around.

I still have that page from the magazine. It's in my kitchen drawer. It went with me from DeKalb to Pekin (where I kept it in our bedroom) to Colorado. When I randomly stumble upon it, I take it out and read it. Sometimes, I still get a little choked up. The song still makes me emotional, but in a different way. Now when I read it, I understand the positive vibe that Evan tried explaining to almost 2 years ago. Now I see what a blessing making our family tree bigger was for all of us.

And some day, if (when) we have that third baby, I'm sure I will go through all those unexplained emotions again. I just hope that the next time I remember how wonderful the outcome was.