Poop.

Julia turned 4 years old last month. We had a small celebration with our friends in Colorado while we were visiting there and then celebrated again on her actual birthday at home.  She asked for a bunny cake this year, so I ended up making two--a pink one for the Colorado party and a brown one for her birthday.

 Julia is still Julia--fiesty, sweet, big emotions, smart, funny, stubborn, spunky.  She still sleeps with her nubs, pink bunny, and blankie.  She loves to draw, color, skip, jump on the trampoline, play with baby dolls, ride her bike.  She still holds my hand when we walk places.  She still gives hugs as hard as she can.  She still loves apple juice and Cheezits.

 Julia only wears skirts or dresses (even when playing t-ball this spring).  Her favorite color is pink and she loves painting her nails.  She loves to dig in the dirt and help cook in the kitchen.  She loves to dance and play ball.

 Julia also is scared of bugs.  While watching Evan and Julia playing catch, she unknowingly put her foot in an ant hill. Evan said that hundreds of ants were crawling up her legs and biting her by the time he ran to her.  He beat off as many of the ants as he could and carried her home bawling in his arms to rinse her off and put medicine on her bites. She has been out-of-her-mind scared of bugs (especially ants) ever since.

 Another one of Julia's fears that we've been dealing with for over a year now is her fear of pooping in the toilet. Over a year ago, Julia showed interest in using the toilet.  We let her wear underwear and she started urinating in the toilet pretty regularly.  She was very proud. She would not, however, poop in the toilet.  She would either poop in her froggies (aka: Pull-ups with pictures of frogs on them) or in her underwear.  One day, while over at our friend Rachel's house, Julia was sitting on the toilet waiting for me to bring her a froggie.  She needed to poop and did NOT want to use the toilet.  Well,she ended up pooping in the toilet...which hurt her.  She cried and cried.  We didn't push pooping in the toilet after that, trying to give her time to get over the fear of pooping.

Weeks turned to months and Julia did everything in her little power to not poop in the toilet.  She basically trained herself to wait for nap time and bed time and just poop in her froggie.  We didn't really push it too much.  I had dealt with kids whose parents were so micro-mananging about potty training when I taught preschool age kids that the kids ended up being super constipated and miserable.  I did not want that for my Juju.

Around Halloween, Julia declared that she would poop in the toilet at Christmas time.  As Christmas time crept up, Julia changed her mind and declared she would not poop in the toilet until she was a big sister.  We all said ok, no pressure. Once Vivian was born, we encouraged Julia to at least try pooping in the toilet before asking for a froggie.  She said ok, but she didn't really try very hard.  Then, one day, while going "tinkles", she accidentally ended up pooping a good sized poop.  We all cheered, but Julia started hysterically crying.  She did not want us congratulating her.  She was mortified that her body had betrayed her and allowed a poop out in the toilet.

After that incident, Julia stopped pooping completely.  She wouldn't go in the toilet. She wouldn't poop in a froggie.  After a week of no pooping, Julia started complaining of tummy aches. After two weeks, she was leaving smears in her pants, but still refused to poop. She was getting open wounds from having to be wiped/having poop on her bottom so much. So, now she really didn't want to tell us if she needed to or had pooped because we'd have to wipe her and that was such a traumatic ordeal.  Her screams when being changed made me cry from helplessness. She would leak poop and not even realize she'd done it. If we tried to make her sit on the toilet, she would scream like we were forcing her to put her hands on an open flame. She was terrified.   After almost a month, Julia wasn't even passing gas. Her stomach was rock hard. She was lethargic, grumpy, miserable.

I had avoided seeing a doctor because I knew they'd want to give her an enema and  I couldn't imagine Julia's reaction to that idea. Her biggest fear was pooping and we'd be forcing her to poop by putting medicine in her poop hole (as she calls it).  I took her to a chiropractor, I asked other moms for help and ideas, I googled, I pushed water and gave her fiber, but when we got to that month mark, I was frightened for Julia's insides.  So, we made an appointment with one of the pediatricians on base. The doctor was very nice, especially when I started bawling my eyes out in her office. She talked to Julia about needing to poop, why it was important, etc. Julia nodded and was so, so little sitting there in her pretty dress and favorite red shoes. The doctor told me she didn't need to take x-rays to be able to tell that Julia was completely full of poop--she could tell just by feeling her stomach.  As I'd predicted, she prescribed an enema and also mirilax to help keep her stools soft. The doctor also diagnosed her with encopresis--http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/encopresis

I'm not going to go into how giving Julia the enema went.  It was the worst day I've ever had as a parent so far. I really, really hope she doesn't remember the fear and pain she went through that day, but I have a feeling she will. But, I will say that it worked and cleared out her system. That was April.

Now, well, we're just being patient and supportive.  Julia still doesn't use the toilet. She has been able to tell us (after endless conversations) that she is scared to push because she thinks it will hurt her bottom if she poops.  She is always (always) sincerely apologetic when she poops her pants. I've heard her countless times talking to herself in the bathroom when she thinks we can't hear her, giving herself pep talks about how someday she will poop in the toilet and not be scared. (yes, I cry every time I hear her tell herself that). The thing is, this isn't just a battle of wills. Her fear is just as real as Elisabeth's fear of the dark.  I'm not going to make my kid do something she is scared to do; there's no good that will come of that for her or us. What we can do is just help her; give her the confidence that she will some day no longer be scared to poop. We encourage her to poop in her froggies whenever she wants because I will never have her go that long without a bowel movement again. We do encourage her to use the toilet, but don't push it. We found a book about being scared to poop, It Hurts When I Poop,  and read it to her a lot (it's one of her favorites because she TOTALLY understands where the main character is coming from). She takes fiber every day and has only recently stopped taking the mirilax.

Some days, I want to scream and throw a tantrum that she has pooped another pair of underwear. That it's the millionth pair of underwear I've had to clean out. Some days I want to cry if I have to deal with any kind of poop ever again.  Other days, I am the most patient parent you will ever meet.  I am understanding, supportive, her best ally.  

 Why am I telling you all about Julia and her toilet training?  Because I felt really alone in this sometimes.  Because when people who know we've struggled with this poop issue ask how it's going, I have nothing new to tell them. Because for some reason there is a shamefulness to having a kid who deals with these toilet issues and there shouldn't be. It's a medical condition.  It won't get better over night, or maybe even this year. She has to get over that mental block of being scared before we can at all progress to using the toilet.

But, I am also telling you this because you might know someone whose kid dealt with this or you might be dealing with this too and you should know you're not alone, your kid is not alone. It doesn't make you a bad parent and your kid shouldn't feel ashamed.

I no longer ask parents how potty training is going unless they bring it up first. I also do not judge any kid in a pull up who seems to be a bit too big to be wearing one. My Juju sometimes still wears one in public (if it's been a rough day and we've run out of clean underwear) and I pity any person who makes a snide remark within my ear shot of me about her wearing one. :)