Fighting the Good Fight

My children are loud people.

It is rare when my house is quiet (although, right this second, it is! Julia is reading and V is playing trains and you could hear a pin drop!!!). With five people under this roof, there is a lot of talking, laughing, crying, singing, bickering, hollering, storytelling, more bickering, screaming and general chaos.


I am very upfront that I know I, myself, am a very loud person. I would always tell the people who interviewed me for teaching positions that I'm loud--I'm loud when I'm happy, loud when I'm excited, loud when I'm frustrated. I felt I owed it to them to know in advance that they were not hiring a quiet, peaceful teacher.


However, my house is loudest when my children are bickering and lately that feels like all the freaking time.

They wake up and start fighting.

They sit by each other and fight.

They fight from opposite sides of the house.

They fight outside, inside, at the store, at the library.

One time, when we were at a hotel, Elisabeth and Julia were both sleep talking and it sounded like bickering!

I am no stranger to sibling bickering. It is the chosen language of me and my own sister. It is a part of being in a family and having siblings--there will be fighting, hurt feelings, frustration. But one thing that Evan and I both feel strongly about is that there should never be any bullying and that, in general, you should always be respectful and kind--even to your siblings.

While our theory is all good and whatnot, actually teaching it to our offspring is a battle. I find that we are constantly repeating ourselves to what seem to be deaf ears. We also are saying the same things to 6.5 year old Julia about how she treats Vivian that we had to tell a younger Elisabeth about how she was treating a toddler Julia.

Full circle, people. This means we'll definitely be telling 6.5 year old Vivian to be nice to her three year old brother.

As much as I dislike repeating myself and as much as I feel like I am not being heard, every now and then there is a glimmer of hope that maybe my words are sinking in; moments when I hear them correcting their tone from being rude to kind, when I hear them trying their best to compromise, when I hear them saying yes to a younger sibling asking them to play when I know they really want to say no.

One thing I always tell the older two girls (every day, a million times a day) is that they will be siblings FOREVER. They will be talking, listening, dealing with each other until the end of time. As the oldest, Elisabeth has a heavier load because all of the kiddos will be looking up to her. She has had the most experience dealing with younger siblings and needs to set an example of how to deal with persistent toddlers and pesky grade school sibling antics. We talk a lot about how she communicates with them is how they are learning to communicate with those younger than them. And that sometimes you have to make sacrifices--like playing trains with your toddler sister when you'd rather hole up in your room and listen to music or let your elementary aged sister hang out in your room with you while you clean. How she talks to them and treats them is going to have a bigger impact than how their friends treat them.


Something that is hard to understand, that took me a while to understand before I could teach it to my kids, is that building up these relationships now is the basis for how they will treat each other as grown ups. The same annoying traits and habits that they want to punch their sisters in the face for now are just going to become annoying adult habits that will most likely still make them want to punch their sister. But, with each time they successfully compromise, with each time they sacrifice their time or their own wants for a sibling, with each act of grace they show, they aren't just building up their relationships with each other, they are learning and practicing how to be better people (which I hear is what the whole goal of parenting really is--raising good people). And who doesn't want to have their adult siblings be awesome people to turn to?


So for each rare, unicorn sighting moment when my children are all getting along and there is peace in the land, I am taking it as a victory. And a chance for my ears to stop bleeding from the last sibling bickering battle.

Sisters

It's interesting to have three girls and watch their sibling relationships unfold. Each of our three have such unique, strong personalities from the other two that the dynamics of their relationships revolve a lot around these differences.

Elisabeth and Julia have a relationship that is completely different than Julia and Vivian's. E & J are so polar opposite in almost every aspect that they tend to not understand (or sometimes don't try to understand) where the other person is coming from. Yes, part of it is the age difference (5.5 years apart), but I think that even if they were closer in age we'd still be seeing the same level of bickering and frustration. Elisabeth is not a crier and Julia cries a lot (all day. every day. over everything). Elisabeth is not cuddly and Julia needs lots of hugs and kisses to show and feel loved. Both are equally bossy and stubborn. But, when they do get along, it is like sighting a unicorn--it is unbelievably beautiful and sweet. 

Cooking together.

It was really hard on Julia when Elisabeth no longer wanted to play house or dolls with her. Sometimes I would encourage Elisabeth to play just because it's what families do for each other--they play or participate in activities that may seem boring but make the other family member happy. Recently, after Julia came bawling to me that Elisabeth wouldn't play house with her, I told Julia that she needed to think of new things that she and Elisabeth could do together now that Elisabeth was older. We brainstormed for awhile and came up with reading books, coloring, drawing, cooking, and watching shows like Full House or Little House on the Prairie. It still made Julia sad, but she was able to get Elisabeth to read a book together with her and both of their needs as siblings were met.

To be honest, their relationship is a lot like the one I have with my sister. We're just so completely opposite in almost all areas of interests and how we deal with things that bickering and teasing seemed to be the only thing we could do well together. Helping Elisabeth and Julia get along and compromise comes easy to me because I rely on tools I learned to use or wish had been shown to me in how to deal with my sister or how I wish she would have dealt with me.

Which is why the relationship that Julia and Vivian have is so amazing to me--it's like the sibling relationships that others talk about where their kids are best friends. That's how Julia and Vivian are; these two are inseparable. Only 3.5 years apart, they completely click. Even though they also have very different personalities, their personalities seem to compliment each other well. Vivian completely worships the ground Julia walks on. I often joke that Vivian wants to be Julia when she grows up.

Putting warm pancakes on her cheeks. Weirdo.

Monkey see, Monkey do.

Actually, I'm not too far off base. Whatever Julia declares she wants to be when she grows up, Vivian replies that she wants to be Julia's helper dog.

Julia: I'm going to be a science teacher when I grow up!
Vivian: I gonna be Juju's science teacher helper dog!

(Vivian really wants to grow up and be a dog. Or a baby.)

And Julia loves loves loves being a big sister. She likes teaching Vivian and having a built in playmate. Julia took to being a big sister very quickly and very seriously.


Things that they they do that Elisabeth and Julia never really did: wear matching clothes, have the exact same toys, watch the same shows, and enjoy sharing a room.

I realize that they have been together at home more than Elisabeth and Julia ever were. Elisabeth was starting Kindergarten when we had Julia, so she was always at school or involved in activities for as long as Julia can remember. With Vivian, Julia has always been home, especially since we homeschooled Julia for Kindergarten and are now doing so for the rest of first grade. I am sure that plays a certain part in the closeness they share.

Now that isn't to say that their relationship isn't loud and bickering. If you have been in our house longer than ten minutes you will hear them screaming and whining to and about each other. They're siblings and, no matter how much I wish it away, bickering is going to occur. (Heck, even Elisabeth and Vivian bicker and they are 9 years apart!!)

Which leads me to Elisabeth and Vivian's relationship. They are enough apart in years that they've never been playmates. Vivian told me the other day that Elisabeth was a grown up, and I am sure to her little toddler self that Elisabeth does seem grown up. Ebeth is next in command if Evan and I aren't around and both Julia and Vivian feel safe in new situations if they know their Didi (aka: Elisabeth) is going to be there with them.

Recently, Evan's sister graciously offered to keep all three girls for an overnight at her house (because she LOVES us!). Vivian had never been away from both Evan and me overnight before and I explained to her that we would not be staying with her at Aunt Kyle's house. "Oh. Will Didi be there?" I said she would and Vivian was totally fine going.

However, where Vivian refers to Julia as her friend ("Mommy, where is my friend Julia?"), she simply calls Elisabeth "my Didi". Elisabeth is hers and that's all there is to it. Elisabeth goes to school, Elisabeth can rock her to sleep, give her a bath, cook her food, and reach things Vivian can't reach. Elisabeth also likes to wrestle and tickle, likes to run around outside and likes to push Vivian on walks in her little pink car. Vivian has an older sister that is almost like a third parent but still is silly and plays with her like another kid. It's a sibling relationship I like to watch unfold.

It makes me curious to see how each relationship with this new baby will be. Only 3 years between him and Vivian, 7 years between him and Julia, and 12.5 years between him and Elisabeth. Not to mention, the dynamic between brothers and sisters is bound to be different than sisters and sisters.

I do know one thing, though--this baby boy better be ready to wrestle his big sister Vivian because she has already said countless times that she can't wait to wrestle him. (Lord, have mercy.)

So Very Two

I realize that I just recently posted to tell you all how Vivian is a menace trying to torture me to death by being two years old, but, you guys, seriously...the child is insanely exhausting. 

Let me think about where to begin...

Today I bribed her into letting me put her hair into a ponytail by giving her a piece of gum. Later in the day, I bribed her to stop chewing on rocks she'd put in a cup by giving her a piece of gum. (I buy a lot of gum)

Yesterday, I was cooking dinner (Pioneer Woman's Chicken Pot Pie, in case you were curious) (and, yes, it was delicious!) and it was just me and Vivian because Evan had taken the other two to their respected tball/softball practices. I was getting ready to make the pie crust for the top of the pot pie (Pioneer Woman's Pie Crust recipe, of course!) and went to grab the butter I needed except I couldn't find the half stick I'd left out. Now, I am naturally forgetful so I started looking in the places I might leave the butter--refrigerator, by the mixer, all the counter space. I was starting to get frustrated when it occurred to me who was home with me. Not looking, but hearing her making noises from the living room, I asked: "Vivian, do you have my butter?"

"Umm...."

I walk in and she is sitting in Evan's recliner with butter she'd dug out with her grubby little toddler fingers smeared all over his chair.

 She is never still. Never. She still sleeps with us half the night and even in her sleep she is just such a wiggle worm. She needs gross motor activities on daily basis or she is a beast. I am so, so thankful for our trampoline and large yard. Sometimes she will wrestle with Evan or run laps around the inside of the house on days when we can't get outside. I am always so relieved when they go to the YLand at the Y because it's like the playlands in restaurants and she can climb and slide while I'm working out.

 She is just so contrary. I will ask her to throw away the banana peel she just carelessly flung onto the couch and she will manically laugh as she tells me no. But, I tell her, "No, Mommy wants to throw it away," and she will scream, "NO! YINYIN (translation: Vivian) DO IT!". Sometimes trying to trying to use reverse psychology to get her to comply from the get-go backfires, though. You just never know!

 She's really cute when she's sleeping though. Or when she's restrained in a car seat.

 

 Taking her in public is like setting my pet tornado loose on mankind. Today at the library, I was in line to check out books. Again, we were alone (having the older two around is a HUGE HELP when anywhere with Vivian because they are fabulous older sisters who are fully aware that the youngest one is insane in the membrane), so every time I would try to corral her I'd end up losing my place in line. Finally, I gave up and just prayed she wouldn't tear the ding dong place down. After she tipped over the two gaming chairs in the video game area and yelled at me while sitting upside down in one and pointing to the second chair, "MOMMY! THIS-A ONE FOR YOU!", she proceeded to bring me every recycling and garbage can in the library. You'd think there wouldn't be that many cans in a somewhat small library, but you'd be wrong. She managed to bring me 5 before I was finished. How lucky am I that the librarians found her cute and were so sweet about her wreaking havoc?! I reassured them that she trashes my home as well.

 Don't get me wrong, the kid is a hoot! She likes to have us tie pieces of fabric around her neck so she can be Super Bunny and then she yells out, "SUPER BUNNY, AWAY!!!" and runs laps around the house.

Her love of dump trucks is so sweet. She asks every morning to dress up (translation: get dressed) so she can go get her pal Mac and go play trucks. We have a book with little poems in them and one is called Dump Truck. She has the whole thing memorized.

She is really stingy with her hugs, kisses, and I love yous, so we all feel honored when she actually consents to being kissed and hugged or actually tells you she loves you too after you tell her.

 Sometimes I weigh the pros and cons to taking her places because we have a very small window of what we all refer to as "Vivian Time", which means we have about X amount of time on any given errand day before she loses her mind in public and goes into full destruction/tantrum mode. If you were visiting us you would often hear us say, "If we go both of those places, we may be pushing our luck with Vivian Time" or "We are wasting precious Vivian Time!" or "We're almost out of Vivian Time, let's just go home after this."

There is a lot of stress when using Daylight Vivian Time.

We're going to keep her, I promise. I just...need reassured that I am going to survive this child being two.

And wine. I need you all to tell the Wine Fairy that my house needs stocked ASAP.

My Girls, age 2

 It is now time to compare the girls when they were all the same age Vivian is now. Isn't it just the most fun game?!

While I was looking for pictures of Elisabeth and Julia at around 2 years old, I stumbled upon videos of Elisabeth as baby and toddler. Julia really liked seeing a very small Elisabeth while Vivian just kept saying, "That Yin-Yin!" (Yin-Yin=Vivian). But, Vivian was right in that Elisabeth looked and sounded a lot like Vivian does now. Lots of the same facial expressions, but way more brown curly hair than little blonde Vivian.

Elisabeth 

Julia

Vivian

As Ebeth keeps getting older (despite my threats to her not to), I forget things about little Ebeth. What her little voice sounded like. How much she sang all day long (soooooo much). That she used to be small enough to hold on my hip. I feel like I am too young to already have forgotten so much about my oldest child's baby and toddlerhood. Does this mean that some day I will be on this blog crying about how I can't believe how little she was at 11?! (say no!)

One thing I do love about looking back at old pictures and videos is that a lot of the clothes I see on Elisabeth and Julia, Vivian now wears. Hooray for being stubborn about storing and moving all those girl clothes with us for future children!

Isn't it funny how much they look alike but how much they all three differ? I feel all parents of multiple children should play this game, and let your kids compare the pictures. Julia noticed that she has the straightest hair, but that she and Vivian smile the same in pictures. 

A friend expecting her third child recently asked if going from 2 to 3 kids was the biggest adjustment. I would have to honestly say no. Vivian is by far our craziest child (yesterday she pushed over the kitchen garbage can just for fun, drew all over the dining area floor, dumped her water cup, and was generally the most two any two year old can be), but I wouldn't say that it was harder when she joined the family. Yes, my girls are not super close in age like some who have 3 or more kids, but I feel like when we had Vivian, the biggest adjustment was logistics of who would have which kids on busy schedule days. I am still holding firm that the biggest adjustment was going from zero kids to one kid. What a learning curve that was! And, Ebeth was our easy breezy kiddo! Totally should have taken advantage of that more than we did.  :)

I will say that the dynamic of having more than one sibling is interesting to watch. Evan and I each only have one sister, so we don't have any personal reference points for dealing with more than one sibling. Even though Elisabeth and Vivian are 9 years apart, they are really close. Vivian definitely relies on her like a surrogate parent when Evan and I are not around. Elisabeth often volunteers to help with Vivian and loves to cuddle, read to, play with V. Julia and Vivian are best buds. Vivian shadows Julia in all things and definitely wants to be Julia when she grows up. The Elisabeth and Julia dynamic is still the same--total opposites who either get along like angels or are fighting like rabid dogs. But, with Vivian in the mix, Elisabeth and Julia have more times where they get along and work together. Elisabeth remembers very well hearing the very same speeches I am now giving to Julia--"You have to treat her the way you want her to treat you", "Pick your battles", "If she's hurting you, MOVE AWAY! Don't sit there and let her hit you!". Elisabeth is now the wise older sister that Julia can turn to when Vivian is driving her crazy. It's really amazing to watch their relationships develop and evolve. 

 

One day this school year, I brought the younger two to eat lunch with Elisabeth on a school day. They love visiting Elisabeth and eating with her in the cafeteria. All three girls were sitting in a row and one of Ebeths's classmates sat down across from them. He looked up and slowly looked from Elisabeth to Julia to Vivian and then said, "Whoa, Elisabeth, it's like watching you grow up right in front of me! You all look the same!". Which is why I always label the back of our pictures--I'm worried that some day I will be too old and senile to be able to identify which girl it is at age 2 in a picture!

Vivian the Menace

You guys, I need to talk about Vivian for a minute.

The girl is crazy.

This morning, Vivian asked for a bagel because Julia asked for a bagel. I toasted a whole bagel, buttered both sides, gave each child one half of the bagel. Vivian screamed at me for 5 minutes straight because I gave her a bagel. After 5 minutes, she nicely asked for her bagel, dropped it three times because she insisted on holding her own damn plate (not her words, but if she knew swear words, she'd freaking be a pirate with them), and finally ate part of the bagel and threw the rest on the floor.

 After the bagel drama, she went into the back room, scooped out some cat litter, put it on our futon, and then apparently ate some because she came out whining and holding her tongue. Cat litter, people. Thank the Lord we use the natural stuff made of corn and cedar, but I feel that the fact that the cats use the litter box to urinate and poop negates the thankfulness that the litter is natural.

Obviously, I lost my mind when I realize what she'd done. I screamed jibberish that in my mind sounded like "UUUUUUUGH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! YOU CAN'T EAT THAT!!!! YOU ARE THE GROSSEST PERSON ON THIS PLANET!" But, according to Julia, I basically just kept saying "Ugh!" and "Noooooo!".

I sent them upstairs to get dressed so we could go to the Y and I could dump Vivian off on unsuspecting caregivers. I cleaned up the mess, texted Evan that I was quitting being the mother of his children, and headed up to get ready myself.

I go upstairs into my room and realize upon entering that Vivian has already been there before me. She had swept everything off of Evan's nightstand, emptied my sock drawers, and was starting in on the contents of our sweater chest. Upon seeing me, she smiled a very ornery smile and said, "Mommy, I pooped." I chased her out of my room, texted Evan again, and tried to think of positive thoughts about Vivian. None came to mind, so I angrily picked up the mess and hurried to change. The quicker we got the Y, the more of a guarantee that I would not just leave Vivian on the stoop for the gypsies.

 I would like to say this is out of character for Vivian, but it is not. The child is crazy. She spends most of her time standing on our kitchen table (which we never let the other two do), trashing a room like a tornado, screaming in a voice so shrill I worry our wine glasses will shatter (and Lord knows I NEED those wine glasses to drink!). She requires more patience, more use of the phrase "be careful!!", more physical activity than the other two. She is our emergency room visit waiting to happen child.

But, oh my goodness, the child is adorable. She is stingy with her hugs and kisses, but we all trip over ourselves trying to receive them. She is the worst sleeper in the house, but can be so cheerful and pleasant in the mornings. She likes to cuddle on the couch and adores her older sisters (even though she totally tries to boss them around as if she was the boss of the Bonnett girls).

I guess that, even though there are days where I need a large "I am the mother of Vivian" glass of wine, I truly would not trade her in for the world.

Of course, I can say that now since she is quietly playing and not wrecking my house so my view is not skewed by her antics...

Mornings with Juju and V

I have come to the realization that I am not productive until at least 10:00am.  No matter how much sleep I get, not matter how great of a mood I am in, no matter my grand plans for the day, unless I have an appointment that must be kept, I am not getting out of my pajamas until 10:00am.  If it's a weekend?  More like noon.

I find it humorous that things I have subconsciously known about myself seem to become definite truths for me the older I get and the more I just start excepting that I am who I am.

Deep, huh?

This ends up being pretty conductive to homeschooling Julia.  How you ask?  Well, first off, she gets to wake up naturally.  Some days, that is before 7am, some days she gets up after 8:30.  There is no rush to eat, no "Hurry up!" to get dressed.  Julia's personality responds better to non rushing anyway.  

 We have a little school schedule that is working well right now.  We get dressed (no school in pajamas, house rules), she sets up the chairs in the play area for calendar time.  We say a morning prayer, go over the date, day, month, year, sing 3 songs of her choice (sometimes she even makes one up and serenades me), and then it's off to do some table work.  Right now, my focus is on penmanship and getting used to sitting to do writing.  I had an ABC workbook she flew through and now we're working on number penmanship. We do art, cutting, and reading for about 45 minutes to an hour. But, here's the kicker for me--Julia's started reading.  No, we aren't working on it, she has just naturally been trying to sound things out and now can read simple sentences.  It's amazing to watch it all unfold.

I realize that it seems ridiculous that a college educated former elementary school teacher seems amazed that she can, you know, TEACH her kid, but I am amazed.  I felt very insecure going in to this endeavor. I am a firm believer that kids don't need pushed to learn, even those who struggle. I also believe that parents are children's first and most important teachers, but that kind of all went to the wayside when we decided that keeping Julia home for kindergarten was best for her and us. I am very, very thankful that what I have always believed came to fruition with Julia.

We still make it to the Y a few days a week. The girls love going to the Y.  They have little friends there and know the teachers well.

 Half the time they don't even say good bye to me. Two days ago, for the first time, Vivian told me "No, Mommy, no leave." She was playing cars and did not want to stop.

 Both girls usually bring a toy to the Y to play with while they are there.  I'm sure you are shocked to know that Pink Baby is usually Julia's toy of choice.  Wednesday, as I waited for them to finish playing cars, I asked Julia where Pink Baby was.  "She's in the swing."  Dude, I thought a real baby was in the swing because it was on!  Nope, the teachers let Julia put Pink Baby in real baby things:

 This is how we roll at the Y:

 This morning, Julia decided to do an art project for school first. She had a wooden bird house from this summer that we never got around to painting.

 Of course, Vivian must do all the things that Julia does, so I got out some paints and paper for her too.

 I'm pretty sure Vivian will just skip kindergarten.  She's got two older sisters that love to teach her.  In fact, I could probably just hire them to teach Vivian and I could stay in my pajamas reading books EVEN LONGER!!!

I joke, I joke...I'd totally get dressed and read. Gotta keep up appearances.

Poop.

Julia turned 4 years old last month. We had a small celebration with our friends in Colorado while we were visiting there and then celebrated again on her actual birthday at home.  She asked for a bunny cake this year, so I ended up making two--a pink one for the Colorado party and a brown one for her birthday.

 Julia is still Julia--fiesty, sweet, big emotions, smart, funny, stubborn, spunky.  She still sleeps with her nubs, pink bunny, and blankie.  She loves to draw, color, skip, jump on the trampoline, play with baby dolls, ride her bike.  She still holds my hand when we walk places.  She still gives hugs as hard as she can.  She still loves apple juice and Cheezits.

 Julia only wears skirts or dresses (even when playing t-ball this spring).  Her favorite color is pink and she loves painting her nails.  She loves to dig in the dirt and help cook in the kitchen.  She loves to dance and play ball.

 Julia also is scared of bugs.  While watching Evan and Julia playing catch, she unknowingly put her foot in an ant hill. Evan said that hundreds of ants were crawling up her legs and biting her by the time he ran to her.  He beat off as many of the ants as he could and carried her home bawling in his arms to rinse her off and put medicine on her bites. She has been out-of-her-mind scared of bugs (especially ants) ever since.

 Another one of Julia's fears that we've been dealing with for over a year now is her fear of pooping in the toilet. Over a year ago, Julia showed interest in using the toilet.  We let her wear underwear and she started urinating in the toilet pretty regularly.  She was very proud. She would not, however, poop in the toilet.  She would either poop in her froggies (aka: Pull-ups with pictures of frogs on them) or in her underwear.  One day, while over at our friend Rachel's house, Julia was sitting on the toilet waiting for me to bring her a froggie.  She needed to poop and did NOT want to use the toilet.  Well,she ended up pooping in the toilet...which hurt her.  She cried and cried.  We didn't push pooping in the toilet after that, trying to give her time to get over the fear of pooping.

Weeks turned to months and Julia did everything in her little power to not poop in the toilet.  She basically trained herself to wait for nap time and bed time and just poop in her froggie.  We didn't really push it too much.  I had dealt with kids whose parents were so micro-mananging about potty training when I taught preschool age kids that the kids ended up being super constipated and miserable.  I did not want that for my Juju.

Around Halloween, Julia declared that she would poop in the toilet at Christmas time.  As Christmas time crept up, Julia changed her mind and declared she would not poop in the toilet until she was a big sister.  We all said ok, no pressure. Once Vivian was born, we encouraged Julia to at least try pooping in the toilet before asking for a froggie.  She said ok, but she didn't really try very hard.  Then, one day, while going "tinkles", she accidentally ended up pooping a good sized poop.  We all cheered, but Julia started hysterically crying.  She did not want us congratulating her.  She was mortified that her body had betrayed her and allowed a poop out in the toilet.

After that incident, Julia stopped pooping completely.  She wouldn't go in the toilet. She wouldn't poop in a froggie.  After a week of no pooping, Julia started complaining of tummy aches. After two weeks, she was leaving smears in her pants, but still refused to poop. She was getting open wounds from having to be wiped/having poop on her bottom so much. So, now she really didn't want to tell us if she needed to or had pooped because we'd have to wipe her and that was such a traumatic ordeal.  Her screams when being changed made me cry from helplessness. She would leak poop and not even realize she'd done it. If we tried to make her sit on the toilet, she would scream like we were forcing her to put her hands on an open flame. She was terrified.   After almost a month, Julia wasn't even passing gas. Her stomach was rock hard. She was lethargic, grumpy, miserable.

I had avoided seeing a doctor because I knew they'd want to give her an enema and  I couldn't imagine Julia's reaction to that idea. Her biggest fear was pooping and we'd be forcing her to poop by putting medicine in her poop hole (as she calls it).  I took her to a chiropractor, I asked other moms for help and ideas, I googled, I pushed water and gave her fiber, but when we got to that month mark, I was frightened for Julia's insides.  So, we made an appointment with one of the pediatricians on base. The doctor was very nice, especially when I started bawling my eyes out in her office. She talked to Julia about needing to poop, why it was important, etc. Julia nodded and was so, so little sitting there in her pretty dress and favorite red shoes. The doctor told me she didn't need to take x-rays to be able to tell that Julia was completely full of poop--she could tell just by feeling her stomach.  As I'd predicted, she prescribed an enema and also mirilax to help keep her stools soft. The doctor also diagnosed her with encopresis--http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/encopresis

I'm not going to go into how giving Julia the enema went.  It was the worst day I've ever had as a parent so far. I really, really hope she doesn't remember the fear and pain she went through that day, but I have a feeling she will. But, I will say that it worked and cleared out her system. That was April.

Now, well, we're just being patient and supportive.  Julia still doesn't use the toilet. She has been able to tell us (after endless conversations) that she is scared to push because she thinks it will hurt her bottom if she poops.  She is always (always) sincerely apologetic when she poops her pants. I've heard her countless times talking to herself in the bathroom when she thinks we can't hear her, giving herself pep talks about how someday she will poop in the toilet and not be scared. (yes, I cry every time I hear her tell herself that). The thing is, this isn't just a battle of wills. Her fear is just as real as Elisabeth's fear of the dark.  I'm not going to make my kid do something she is scared to do; there's no good that will come of that for her or us. What we can do is just help her; give her the confidence that she will some day no longer be scared to poop. We encourage her to poop in her froggies whenever she wants because I will never have her go that long without a bowel movement again. We do encourage her to use the toilet, but don't push it. We found a book about being scared to poop, It Hurts When I Poop,  and read it to her a lot (it's one of her favorites because she TOTALLY understands where the main character is coming from). She takes fiber every day and has only recently stopped taking the mirilax.

Some days, I want to scream and throw a tantrum that she has pooped another pair of underwear. That it's the millionth pair of underwear I've had to clean out. Some days I want to cry if I have to deal with any kind of poop ever again.  Other days, I am the most patient parent you will ever meet.  I am understanding, supportive, her best ally.  

 Why am I telling you all about Julia and her toilet training?  Because I felt really alone in this sometimes.  Because when people who know we've struggled with this poop issue ask how it's going, I have nothing new to tell them. Because for some reason there is a shamefulness to having a kid who deals with these toilet issues and there shouldn't be. It's a medical condition.  It won't get better over night, or maybe even this year. She has to get over that mental block of being scared before we can at all progress to using the toilet.

But, I am also telling you this because you might know someone whose kid dealt with this or you might be dealing with this too and you should know you're not alone, your kid is not alone. It doesn't make you a bad parent and your kid shouldn't feel ashamed.

I no longer ask parents how potty training is going unless they bring it up first. I also do not judge any kid in a pull up who seems to be a bit too big to be wearing one. My Juju sometimes still wears one in public (if it's been a rough day and we've run out of clean underwear) and I pity any person who makes a snide remark within my ear shot of me about her wearing one. :)