It's time to throw a tantrum.

I am feeling whiny today. If you do not feel like reading about all my complaints, then I'd suggest closing this screen and finding something happy to read about. Like bunnies. Or shoes on clearance. Or balloons.

First off, I am exhausted. I do not sleep well when Evan is gone. I have gotten used to having him next to me in bed. He is an oven, so I don't really need extra blankets. But, when he is gone, I get cold and lonely. So, with my lack of good sleep, I am grouchy. Although, I am super proud of myself, because this morning (around 4 AM), Elisabeth came into my room to tell me she was scared because of noises outside her window, and I was so nice to her. I did not grumble. I did not grouch. I explained that she was hearing the wind that was bringing us snow clouds for tomorrow. "Oh, great," was her response. I put her back to bed.

Secondly, being as we've only been here not even 5 months, I don't really have anyone to hang out with when Evan is gone. I did have a play date with my mommy group on Tuesday, which was lovely, but I don't have friends or family who I can bug by coming over and eating their snacks and watching their tv. I depend on Evan coming home from work and talking my ear off. When he is not here, I tend to talk to the cats and Julia, none of which carry their end of the conversation very well.

I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I am supposed to be cleaning because we are having company. I hate cleaning. I hate doing floors. I hate cleaning bathrooms. I hate putting away laundry. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it. Hate it.

The girls are being very good. They really are. But, with no back up, their exuberant personalities are wearing away my patience. For example, today, after eating 2 bowls of cereal, I told Ebeth that she would need to hustle upstairs to finish getting ready for school. I am getting a very cranky Julia down from her seat, when I see Elisabeth army crawling up the stairs. ARMY CRAWLING UP THE STAIRS!!! Who does that? Who honestly thinks that is an efficient way to get up the stairs in a speedy manner. She's humming to herself as she SLOWLY crawls up the stairs. I turn away and speed count to 100 because I have no nice thoughts going through my head and I really don't want to start yelling at 7:20 in the morning. After 100, I slowly turn to see if she is using her feet. Oh, no. She is now army crawling to the bathroom. I give up and go to my room to get ready, because, honestly, I was going to pitch her outside and lock all the doors so she couldnt' get back in.

I did go to the Y today to get some exercise in and get away from a very cranky Julia (who I know misses her Daddy and has no idea why he hasn't shown up in the past few days). Thank the heavens, she went in without crying, but did give me a look of "so, you're abandoning me again, huh?". That's right, you fat little toddling baby. See ya!

I finished my magazine while walking my 2 miles on the treadmill and was thinking about what I should do next (bike or elliptical) when I look around. There is a twig of a woman running next to me, who was running when I started walking, and was still running when I was done. She's there all the time. Running. On her twiggy legs. I keep glancing around, when I notice something. I am, by far, the fattest woman in the room. Not kidding. I know I've lost 15 pounds and several inches. I am fitting in clothes I haven't fit into in years. I am feeling better and actually enjoy working out. But, living in Colorado Springs when you are still trying to lose around 30 more pounds is depressing. The majority of people are military and are all in shape. Plus, this city is walking/running/racing/biking crazy. And, obviously, I am not in a good mood anyway, so looking at all these fit, tan, older than me women was not inspirational. It was making me see green. (Aren't I breath of fresh air today? Aren't I just a ray of sunshine?)

I choose bike riding because I can't see any one around me, which is good. I am biking along, listening to Neil Diamond on my iPod (I heart Neil Diamond) and notice that I'm pretty close to the tv with the nanny cam. I try to find Julia on the screen, because they tell me she plays and doesn't cry the whole time, and now I can witness it myself! But, I can't seem to locate her. She'd be the round baby with the shaggy haircut and the all pink overall outfit. Nope, can't see her. So, I finish my workout and go to get her. The workers greet me and announce to Julia that I'm here. I still don't see her. Well, she apparently spent the entire hour I was gone sitting against the back wall, yawning and staring at the other children. They said she never cried or whined and would shake her head no when they offered her toys or asked her to come and play. She greeted me with a smile and waved good bye to everyone. When I asked her if she wanted to go home and nap, she enthusiastically nodded and said, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!". Ahh...small miracles.

So, I'm trying to think positive. I have a day and a half left solo. Evan will be home Friday night and is brining his parents with him from the airport. I will have reinforcements and some time to have conversations with grown-ups.

But, I'm thinking of planning a long weekend away at some point. Where I will be the one everyone is missing. And, I might even think about coming back. Eventually.