Still learning.

This week Elisabeth starts 2nd grade. And if you're wondering if I'm having a hard time with my first baby starting the 2nd grade, well, I'm not.

I'm in denial. It's a happy place for me. I shall be here until Wednesday when I drop her off at school.

She'll be 8 this year, you know. 8. Do you know how close that is to 10? And how close 10 is to 13? and how close 13 is to 16? and 16 to 18????? Well, it's close.

And I still feel lost at sea with her. I still feel like I'm grabbing at straws when trying to parent. Is that how it always is with the oldest one? Will I always be at a loss with each new phase?

We had a conversation about boyfriends the other day. Yep. Boyfriends. She wanted to know if she was old enough to have one. I have learned that, with Elisabeth, I should ask her to explain herself and her questions. There have been a couple of times when I've gone into a long, detailed rant about something when it wasn't what she was talking about at all. Of course, then I have a whole new set of questions to answer about what I'd been talking about.

Anyway, we talked about how it's okay to call someone your boyfriend. Then she asked when she could start dating. "13?" Um...no. How about never? I told her we'd talk about that when she was a little bit older.

We've also had a talk about not worrying about our bodies. She was worried about her tummy being too round. I almost cried on the spot. She's too little for that. Too little to already be hating parts of herself. It's things like this that make me want to keep her in our house. Forever.

But, I can't because she can't wait to grow up. She wants to be a teenager soooo badly. And I totally understand. I remember not being able to wait to drive and be places by myself. I wanted a job and my own money and to live by myself. I always tell people that Elisabeth will be moved out of our house at 18, but Julia'll live in our basement till she's 30.

Elisabeth's always been independent. She isn't scared of new people or places. But, she is starting to get self-conscious. She worries about how she's dressed. She wants to make sure her hair looks nice. She is a little more timid around new kids than she ever used to be. She's learning how friendship works in elementary school--that kids aren't always nice and they don't always have a reason for being mean. She's learning how to stand up for herself and I'm trying to give her as many tools as I can for uncomfortable situations with friends. I'm trying to remember what it was like to be in grade school. I'm trying to respect her new want for privacy and her need to find out who she is.

I can't keep her little. Evan struggles with this a lot. He misses the preschool Elisabeth. I do too. But, I see a lot of that preschool Elisabeth still in her. I still see that wonderment at learning new things. I still see that innocent delight at times. I'm also getting a glimpse of middle school mood swings, which wont' be too fun.
But, I like this grade school Elisabeth too. I like seeing her read chapter books to herself. I like her interest in wanting to have more responsibilities around the house (not cleaning, in case you were wondering). I like how she leaves us notes sometimes that she loves us. I like how I can tell her to take a shower or get dressed or to set the table and she doesn't need assistance because she's old enough to do it all.

She's still weird and quirky and I think she always will be. At least, I really, really hope so!