Babies.

Babies have been on my mind a lot lately.

I know at least half a dozen women who are pregnant and 4 who have recently had their babies.

There are so many emotions when women are pregnant or just delivered their babies. Lots of fear and joy. In some heartbreaking cases there is also a lot of sadness as well.

But one thing that is true for every first time mother is this--you are never ready to have a baby. You can never read enough books, talk to enough veteran mothers, give yourself enough pep talks to fully be ready for parenthood, but when that baby is put in your arms, you are not ready.

When Evan and I got pregnant with Elisabeth (at the quite young ages of 20 and 18), we were both still in undergrad. We both were still living with our parents. We both worked part time at minimum wage jobs just to have a little money while in college. To say the least, our being pregnant was a gigantic surprise (for everyone!). After our initial shock (which lasted the first 2/3 of the pregnancy) we started getting "ready" for this baby we were having. We bought the essentials (crib, stroller, carseat), we were thrown baby showers by loved ones, we read some books (Dr. Sears! A must read!) and we took the birthing classes. We were "ready".

And then, after a few hours of hard labor and good 45 minutes of pushing, this little girl came into the world:

And I knew that I was the most clueless person ever. There was no way that those nurses and doctors were going to let me take her home--I was an idiot! I didn't know anything! How was I supposed to make her stop crying? How did this breastfeeding thing work? Would a nurse come home with me? What the heck?!?!

I tried talking one of the nurses into letting me stay. She just smiled, patted my arm and left my room laughing. I stared down at this baby who was sleeping so sweetly in my arms with her shock of jet black hair and her perfect little lips and thought, "Well, crap."

I took that baby home to my parents house (who so lovingly said that Evan, Elisabeth and I could live with them until we were graduated and had real jobs) and I cried. I cried a lot. I cried as I tried rocking the not-tired baby to sleep. I cried every time Elisabeth wanted to nurse because I hadn't gotten the breastfeeding thing down and it hurt like hell every time she latched on. I cried when she peed on me. I cried when Evan would ask me if I could pass him the remote. I cried and I didn't even know why I was crying. I was a huge, bumbling mess.

After a few weeks, I stopped crying so much. After a few months, I adjusted to the idea that I was a mommy now. That Elisabeth was my daughter...forever.

And that's when I came to this conclusion--Even if Evan and I had been trying to get pregnant; even if we had been 10 years older with steady careers; even if we had millions of dollars because we had a goose who laid golden eggs; even if we had read every book about babies, watched every video about birth, attended every class in a 20 mile radius about having kids, we would have NEVER been fully ready. Why? Because you can't be until you have birthed that baby and held it in your arms and realized that "well, crap", you are now in charge of this tiny, tiny person forever and ever, amen.

I am blessed in that I have a huge community of mothers that I can lean on. I have fabulous friends and a tribe in Illinois that I turn to when I don't know what I'm doing who have "been there done that" and can help guide me or give me an outsider's perspective of my current parenting dilemma. I can not even begin to describe how important it is to have people who will help you when you are getting to know that new little baby you brought home. I have made it my mission to be a source of help to new moms, especially since we are in the Air Force and so many of these moms are very far from family. Being a new mom can be lonely and overwhelming--to even have one person to call and say, "Um...their poop looks funny and I have cried about it for 45 minutes" is so valuable. I can't image not having anyone to lean on during those first few months.

And the funny thing is that a lot of these moms are so shy about asking for help. They don't want to be a bother. I have taken their timidness, completely ignored it and become that pushy person who knocks on their doors and says, "Hi! I'm here to hold your baby." They never say no. :)

Now, I'm not saying that Evan and I are professionals at parenting by any means. I know I still have moments with Elisabeth where I think, "Geez louise, I hope that parenting decision doesn't cost you months of therapy when you're 25." But, so far, I think we're doing ok. We've learned a lot and evolved as parents. I mean, she's pretty awesome, but that has a lot to do with just who she is as a person.

And, when we decided that maybe it was time to add a child to our family, I still panicked. I still had that moment of "oh my lord, what was I thinking?! How in the world will I parent two of them?!?!". But, then Julia was born and I hear her little montster-ish cry and I thought, "Eh, I did it once, I'm sure I can do it again."
And I would say that she's shaping up pretty nicely as well.
Don't worry, though. We're talking about eventually having one more addition to our family. I have not one doubt in my mind that I will have a panic attack again about parenting three of them. I plan on just cry into the phone and making someone come over and hold my new baby.